Orthodox Questions

Some questions about Orthoxy
*Ever-virgin Mary... so Jesus' brother James is just from a previous marriage of
Joseph or something?
*Eastern Christians believe both the Spirit and the Son have their origin in the
Father – so what is their view on the trinity- are the persons of God unequal?
*Does one have to be a member of the orthodox church to go to heaven?
*What is the significance of the priest and sacraments?
*Where does saving grace come from?
*Is “holy tradition” really of equal importance as the word of God?
*Veneration of icons- where did the apostles (since Orthodoxy supposedly didn't
change anything and are the most original church) kiss icons or have them at all?
*Also the icons are not accurate representations of what Jesus wore or looked like-
so where did they originate?
*one thing I like a little, maybe, I think: gradual life-long salvation- however,
what about the thief on the cross? or verses like "believe on the name of the lord
and thou shalt be saved?"

Two Questions

1) What do you really want to get out of life?


2) What can you offer the world that no one else can?

Christmas List 2010

Christmas List 2010
Good gloves that will keep my fingers warm when romping and ice-skating
rainboots
guitar capo
mixing bowl
big metal spoon
cutting board
spandex

My head doesn't throb... but it does now
My mind is whirling but I'm not even sure why
I'm sick of worrying, tired of caring
exhaustion overwhelms and I step back
and trip over my own feet
and fall
and fail?

Fire

All other ground is sinking sand
A doubting maze of desert land
Where darkness rules the heart of man
Til’ the sun shines light on him

The building’s swaying in the wind
The towers crumble down again
This certainly will be the end
Of them not built on him

---Day of Fire Cornerstone

Days when the cross doesn't seem sufficient

As if the cross were not enough
as if that sacrifice
could not suffice
still I cry “Christ”
love me with life
you motion to the past
but I'm too nearsighted to see
so you beckon to the smile inside of me
the joy you bestow
the truths that I know
still I cry “christ” sacrifice for me
show me something I need to see
you don't degrade
you see I'm afraid
so you rush to me once again
you give your love and then...
you answer the prayers I was too timid to pray
you give me words I've wished to say
I ask for a friend to know my heart
you send one- life will start
a seed begins to germinate
as I see that as I wait
you meet me where I am
you run to me as I stand
offering yourself up
giving your hand to hold
I know I've never felt so loved
these small sacrifices are nothing compared to the cross they say
but to me they are lights I need to see His way
because on my own
as the day comes
I forget stars have shone
as the day comes I forget the way you held me in the night
with the sun your goodness fades out of sight
I can't see your mighty good when it's all around
in every story I read, nature's every sound
so loud that I can't hear
and so I fear
thinking you've left
my heart barren, bereft
as you gaze you see
these silly doubts racing throughout me
and you come swifter than the eagle in air
and you send love to meet me there
I needed encouragement you there was a note “I am with you...” Heaven-sent?
I needed to see him
but I couldn't seek him
so you sent him to see me
you fulfill this deep desire
you answer my prayers & inspire
you breathe into me a whisper of love when I am too deaf to hear your shout
you send love all about
I say I can't miss it, then I walk right on by
they all say; “he sent his son to die”
I know that you see
but I wanted love especially for me
so you gave love again

A fragile web

"they wither more quickly than grass. Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless. What he trusts in is fragile; what he relies on is a spider's web. He leans on his web but it gives way; he clings to it, but it does not hold." ~Job 8

What do I rely on? My intelligence, looks, finances, athletic prowess, charisma, bribery, manipulation? It's pretty easy to weave a web of things such as these to rely on; but, despite what seemingly every human thinks, they are so fragile. We cling to this web of things that we think will support us but instead we are caught up. Caught up in the tangled web we weave when we decide to deceive ourselves into thinking that anything and anyone besides God can be relied on.

Only One

It's so easy to feel empty. Seems that life wouldn't be that way. There are so many things to fill us up, yet they just don't, and they can't. We try every single thing to sate our burning desire and unquenchable thirst, but they, as the grave, only beg for more. Only the One who conquered the grave can conquer these unconquerable needs.

tough love

I was reading someone's blog today and she brought up some interesting points...

"We first learn to love those we see, but it is a selfish love. We love them for who they are to us, what they are to us, and what they do for us."

"our appreciation is for how that person relates to me, myself and I. Whatever love we learn for others and express to them, we cannot love others simply for who they are apart from us"

She's right... we're so selfish. We only love because of ourself, because of how others benefit us. Maybe a girl falls in love with a guy for no reason other than how he makes her feel. I'm not saying I actually think this is so, but there's always that chance. I want to learn how to love selflessly, but it's really hard to not use people.

You are my strength

You are my strength
Strength like no other
Strength like no other
Reaches to me

You are my hope
Hope like no other
Hope like no other
Reaches to me

In the fullness of Your grace
In the power of Your Name
You lift me up
You lift me up

Unfailing love
Stronger than mountains
Deeper than oceans
Reaches to me

Your love O Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness
Reaches to the skies

Organic farming in Nepal

I read this article on how World Vision has been teaching poor farmers in Nepal to grow food organically, and I couldn't help but wonder, as I looked at their smiling faces, if I would ever get to meet them, ever get to teach others useful things... God has it in his hands- so we'll see...

Organic farming in Nepal

Diem and Diadem

Crazy how fast life can pass us by if we let it slip through our fingers.

Carpe Diem

Seize the Day

If we don't seize the day it will seize us and shake us and spit us back out.
______________________________________________________________________

Incorruptible. That's a pretty word. But what in this world is incorruptible? Children are born so seemingly innocent, but somewhere along the way they lose that, and are corrupted, like the rest of us already have been.

Incorruptible stems from the Latin prefix "in" which is like our English "un-" and the root "corruptus," meaning "broken in pieces". Incorruptible then means not broken in pieces. We are all corrupted. Suppose that means we are all broken too; so why do we try so hard to pretend we're not? God is the only one who is not broken in pieces- he is the Healer of our broken pieces- that's such a comfort to me. It's easy to forget about love sometimes- lasting love that is- it's easy to fall into the habit of taking it for granted or assuming that we deserve it. We don't. We are broken into a million pieces, shattered by sin and the evil in this world and in us. God is incorruptible: He is not broken, and He wants to mend us. He wants to fix me, and He wants to fix you.

Waiting...

I'm bad at it ...

unless it's waiting till the last minute.

Changing my name?

Who am I?
I've always had a very grounded concept of who I am, mostly grounded because of my love for God. Lately I've been learning that there is a lot of variation even amongst people who all love God. (I'll have you know that I am procrastinating right now- but I want to write so badly...)

For a long time I foolishly assumed that all the "true" passionate God-seeking people liked worship music above all else, maybe an occasional other song if it had strong Christian lyrics. But now, for the first time ever on a semi-regular basis, I've been listening to some music that isn't "Christian". Don't think I'm a bad person- it's mostly Anathallo, Sigur Ros, Sufjan Stevens- bands like that. I like them, but sometimes I miss just listening to "pure" worship music. I'm pushing myself out of my box, and that's good and all- but is it really beneficial? Does this glorify God more? It's hard to say sometimes.

"And I've been sparing my neck from their chain
And they've been changing the sound of my name
And I've been swimming to them in my sleep
And I've been dreaming our love and our freedom"
- House by the Sea by Iron and Wine

Have I been changing the sound of my name- the beat of my true heart- or am I just growing? I'm doing other things this year I've never done before- like right now I'm wearing one of my guy friend's sweaters- there's nothing wrong with that at all, but ... but what? It makes people think things? Maybe. Is that a problem? Maybe. Not sure.

I'm also (in the process of) learning contentment. If I feel God has told me something I need to be obedient to that and wait for Him. But oh, it's so hard! He's working though- it's weird because I can see it more now, as if I can step out of this moment and look down at where He's leading me- what He's doing. In any case I know that all will work together for the good of those who love Him- so I just have to love him.

Love: that's all I have to do.


PS happy almost Easter!

Resist temptations of all

I haven't done a Lent post for a while. I'm in 1 Kings and read an interesting story today, about a prophet who is sent to speak out against idol sacrificing. Anyhow, the king invites him to come and eat with him (God had told this man specifically to go back a different way and not eat or drink) so he resisted and did as God commanded. As he is on his journey another prophet comes to him, asking the same thing, except this man says God told him to do this. So the man of God goes. He ends up being killed by a lion because of it.

Makes me think about Christians- we have these standards, theologies that we hold to, which seem quite easy to hold against the world, for they are so dramatically opposed to God. Fellow Christians, on the other hand, can dissuade us from our standards perhaps more easily- strange and sad thing, isn't it?

WWW

It's been awhile. At first I was nuts about blogging, but there are some thoughts others just don't need to know. Yes, the web gives us so much anonymity, but the truth always comes to light. The internet makes us so one dimensional- there is no communicating with eye contact or body language. I could write a total lie. In real life there are nonverbal cues, not here though. I've seen it lead to assumptions and worse.

And with writing where people can see it's like there's this pressure to write well- to have an interesting life- if for no other reason than the awesome blog it will provide. I guess I'm just having mixed feelings about it right now. Like, I have another blog, and I write things here I wouldn't there. Oh, I don't know- I'm grateful for the internet, but it sure is weird!

Broken Bone, Faith alone

arm still broken: God still alive & in business

Fractured Faith

Something happened today- so many things- but typing is difficult, so I'll write only one... I was unicycling and fell backwards, very hard fall that I didn't see coming. it hurt; i writhed in pain, eventually going to my room and lying down, praying. i realized that my bone looked like it was jutting out of my wrist, just rather swollen really. I'd watched Finger of God, a doc about God's healings and miracles, a few hours earlier- I wanted God to do something crazy like that HERE!!Looks like he'll have to intervene- I cannot fix this and i don't have insurance- He is my only hope, i know he will do it in his perfect timing, Wed at 11 PM at the very latest. His love for me is so great i don't even need him to do this, but i think much glory could be brought to Him through this, to His glory,
Alyssa

Lent: Labor of Love

1 Thessalonians was a Godsend. I needed to read some things today, and those were it. He knows what I need. This phrase in the first chapter stuck out to me;

work produced by faith
labor prompted by love
endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ

Sometimes we just work, but it isn't the kind of work produced by faith- what does work produced by faith even look like? Well, if faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" how does that produce work? I could answer it, but you might have a different answer in mind, you'll be more convinced by yours I'm sure.

I'd like to write more about this, but why don't you just sit down and read 1 Thessalonians yourself- I promise you it's worth your time.

PS I don't have to initiate things, in fact, last night I un-initiated something, which was actually really good (I think).

Lent: Lead Me

It's so hard somedays.
To do those things I scream against.
I lied today, with good intent, saying what I wanted to be the truth... but it's not there yet, and I know my eyes told the story of my heart. I needed God's strength to do what I did, and still I'm not sure if I did the right thing. Not to mention I didn't enjoy doing it- perhaps that's good though, because obviously we enjoy sin to some extent or else it wouldn't be so addicting. I just pray God will continue to guide and lead me as I trust Him to do so. He has everything taken care of. Finished 2nd Samuel today- David has some great characteristics I would like to explore... In the last chapter (24) David wants to buy Araunah's threshing floor to build an altar to God. This is King David so of course Araunah is like "have everything you want," this is how David replies;

"But the king replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing."

Why bother sacrificing something that is no sacrifice at all?
God is more valuable than all and everything, yet we do not truly value him when we offer up our silly sacrifices that cost us nothing.

This song has been stuck in my head all day today, the words ring true:

Good God, if your song leaves our lips
If your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wonders and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men
- Too Bright to See, Too Loud to Hear (Underoath)

Lent: ZZZZ

I love God and am grateful for two specific things right now: #1 the great time I had with Him today, #2 the beautiful weather #3 2nd Samuel and the whole bible #4 for amazing friends and quality time with them... that's more than two, but in my mind they are two: God and people. I need to spend some time preparing for major events of tomorrow, and sleep is becoming necessary soon (I was so looney later tonight- lack of sleep apparently does that to you- who knew?)

Fall asleep in the arms of He who Loves you.

Lent: honor Him

Have I sung God's praises today? Well, yes, but I can certainly do it again! I realized around 8 tonight that I hadn't spent my alone time with Him (it's especially easy to forget on Sundays). For some reason, (I know the reason, but would rather not say) I had such a hard time settling down, and wanting to spend the time with him. I ended up spending a nice chunk of time with him, and it was wonderful. He blessed me in numerous ways (don't feel like listing them all because they go so far beyond the scope of a list) because He loves me and I am learning how to honor him with my life!

Lent: day something

God is good. I have been learning a ton and growing a lot closer to him through Lent. Now I am concerned about not getting enough alone time with Him over the summer. You see, I'll be serving Him and others all day, but we still need to take time to just be together. I don't know how, but I will make sure there is time.

We kind of went on a date tonight, just walking around outside and talking, the snow falling ever so gently. He kept me company and kept me warm. And He gave me the right desires, the ones he wanted to fulfill tonight. He is my provider. I am praying for the funds to go to Hamtramck this Spring break, and, knowing Him, it is already on the way and in the works. I'll lean back and trust him- with that, and with everything. He knows what I need, so he'll provide it, I don't even know what I need- so there's no way I can provide it. Speaking of which, something funny happened yesterday in Centennial gardens, dealing with prayer, but I'd rather not write it here...

Praise His holy name!

Lent, yesterday

It was quite early last night when I finally got into bed, so I didn't blog. It was worth it though- I had a great night of fellowship with like-minded friends. I have met someone with similiar passions, and it's such a blessing to just be around and hear that person's heart. God is good in more ways than a million!

Don't really have much to write (on here) about yesterday. I'm coming along on memorizing Matthew 5 (then the rest of the sermon on the mount), it really helps that a friend is doing it with me! I wish I could have all of God's word in my heart.

In my bible reading yesterday I recall reading about how David said to the Lord, "I'm living in a palace of Cedar, while tthe ark of God is still living in a tent!?" (paraphrased)God replies with the fact that he hasn't dwelt in a tent since bringing the Israelites out of Egypt. God doesn't need big fancy churches, what he'd really love is humble, clean, holy houses dedicated to Him.

Several times in my reading I also noticed people "Celebrating with all their might" what does this look like? I want to celebrate God will my might! Do I already? I don't think I always do- I'll work on that today.

Lent Day 7: It's (only) been one week

Today was jam packed, sadly, no homework involved. God was certainly involved though, and that made it great! Woke up for prayer early despite the late night- God must really want me there- (here I am, up late again). The day was good, you showed yourself powerful in chapel, once again. I went to lunch and got to eat with Phil and discuss Furious Love (an amazing documentary about how God is moving throughout the world, bringing the light of love to darkness), it was so edifying. I always knew there was something different about him, now I know it's you God. Talking with Charlene afterwards was great- just a time of confession as we both spilled things we struggle with- Lent is bringing a lot of my deficiencies to light. Later on I got to go see Beauty and the Beast performed, it was nice to get off campus and see some acting (decent, but not drop-dead amazing). That's not the point though. The point is that I saw "real" people, the kind who buy a bottle of beer during intermission and drink in a circle, chatting with their friends. There was this one guy who caught my eye. No reason really, just a suit jacket with elbow patches, longer hair, interesting glasses, and a confident strut. Not the type of guy you would see on our campus though. I stood on the balcony above, watching their group for a little bit, just wondering what it was like- do they feel empty inside, do they know better and brighter things? I wanted so badly to bring light to their world, to know what it is like inside of their heads, in their lives. After the play I went over and talked to him (I had been staring at his glasses and turned to my friend, commenting on them, I didn't want him to think I was one of those people talking about him right in front of his eyes). I asked if I could try on his glasses, he asked if I was feeling lucky (not sure why). He swore a bit, just part of his vocabulary, it's weird how we even speak a different language. How could I despise him for his speech though? It would be akin to despising a native for speaking the most naturally in their own tongue. I chatted with him for a bit, I hope I brought something to him, though after my guy friends said I was flirting, as we rode back to campus, I don't know what kind of light I brought. So that's the thing with this Lenten sacrifice- I can still have the wrong motives- I can initiate something with someone and not mean a thing, and I can accept an invitation but have the most sinful motives. It's hard, but it may be getting easier. After I returned from the play I ran into some girlfriends from my core last year, we went to Wal-Mart together, it was so enjoyable, just chilling with the girls, I thank God for our time together (he knows when I need to spend more time with girls)!

Started 2nd Samuel today what always stands out is the love Jonathan and David had. When David heard of Jonathan's death he said; (2 Samuel 1:26) "I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother, you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women."
What is that like? How can I be a friend like that? It is something I intend to discover, but for now I think I will go share some intimacy with my pillow!

Lent Day 6: Faithful through my Faithlessness

I feel like I've been repeating myself lately, in saying that God is too good. Too good for me at the very least. What he does, how he gives, I don't deserve that- any of it. His loves transcends and surpasses all I expect and can hope for. Basically he blows my mind and pursues my heart every single day.

Today I once again fell asleep reading my Bible- I need to get more sleep or something-(as I write this at 1:15 in the morning). So I sat up and finished up Romans- there is so much in there, so many truths. I know this is cliched, but Romans 13:8 is a verse I am draw to. "Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law." That's it. That's all God ever wanted- for us to love Him- to love each other, those created in His image. Love was too big for us to comprehend so He had to break it down "don't do this and don't do that," but that's not really love, only as close as we can get sometimes.

I wish I could love more.
I need more of God to ever hope to do that.
A lack of intimacy with God is the source of every problem.
As we fall away from love we lose everything that is good and true.
When we near the living flame of love the bad is burnt away, leaving more room for love. I need more room for love. I guess that's why I'm doing this Lenten fast- I want to get rid of the things that take up space in my heart that I could give to God, to Love.

Realized something today... God knows my petty worries (the ones that seem so giant to me), and he provides. Inside I was dying to be with some of my guy friends, but I can't initiate anything: I feel so helpless sometimes. But God is never helpless, and He always helps me. Don't know why- I certainly don't deserve it- Love is so hard to wrap my mind around. God gives because He loves me so much, he is so attentive to my cries that he hears the longings I whisper in the dark of night. When I want to give up and fail He leads me instead to fall on my face before Him and watch as He provides.

I desire so deeply for everyone to know God like this- to see Him as truly living- ALIVE in their very lives.

An interesting verse to consider is Romans 14:23

Thank you SO much Jesus!

Lent Day 5: Crazy Day, learn to PRAY!

Hmmmm... today was one of those days- the crazy kind- but not crazy hectic or horrible, no, none of that: it was crazy good! I did wake up with a bloody nose, it was actually quite scary, the way it was coming out in gobs- and if I leaned my head back it would go down my throat and I would cough up blood. I just wanted it to stop so I could go to prayer. I was on my bed, kind of waiting it out, when I realized I could pray. I cried out to my healer, and he heard and stopped my bloody nose (got to prayer meeting just in time). Then my class that I was concerned about giving a prose reading in got canceled due to the beautiful snow!(also an answer to prayer) and then Benjamin Baker spoke at chapel today- about prayer.

Prayer has been a constant thought in my mind lately; something I'm striving to do more of. Dr. Baker said something (several somethings) that made me think: could it be if we just learned to pray we would learn all other things and fulfill our calling? He spoke of how he was lifter, liberator, savior, and source- basically everything- no, totally everything- so why don't we call on his name more? He said prayer shouldn't just be informational but transformational. We should pray because we are hungry and need to eat. Interesting thoughts- I told myself I would pray more today.

I did my 40 minutes with Jesus today, kind of different this time though. I was doing my devos, but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open or recite my bible verse, so I fell asleep halfway through. I re-did/finished my devos later, reading through Romans, and it is such an amazing book, I thank God for the ways he speaks. For some reason I was so convicted and brought to prayer by reading Romans (I don't know if I read it for 20 minutes, but I couldn't go on) I got down on my knees and cried out to God. Time flew by like a rocket, and God was so present, his glory everywhere, I was brought so much nearer to Him. It's weird, crazy actually... no, I reckon it's just God working.

This verse stuck out to me, it's Romans 8:13
For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live
If we let sin rule in us we die if we let the Spirit put the sin to death we live. So sin=death but death by the Spirit=life -- a paradox, but so sensible.

I want to be so close to God that I know Him by His first name...

watched "Furious Love" tonight- so much to think about...

A Glimpse into Her World

Can I just say that God is SO good? Honestly, he always, ALWAYS provides for me- even the silly little things that I am too ashamed to ask for. I really needed to practice my prose reading for class today, and in between prayer,class, chapel, class there is no time to do that. I could have skipped prayer, but I feel like skipping out on God doesn't give more or better time, so I stayed with Him. And guess what? Not only was my first class canceled (hurray I can practice!) but on the way back to my dorm I found out that the one I needed to present in was also canceled!

So now I'm sitting in my class just kind of rejoicing. It's in the simple joys, the uncomplicated gifts God gives me everyday of my life (sometimes I get caught up looking for the complicated or catastrophic circumstance to be delivered from, or other foolish things that we humans hope for and do).

Yesterday was a crazy wonderful day in about ten different ways. It wasn't spectacularly unusual by worldly standards- I didn't even go off campus- but that didn't matter. I got to swing dance and be with friends. However, what especially touched me was last night after all the homework and dancing...

I went to the library to print off some homework, and as I sit down to practice my reading (that was to be performed today in class)I notice something: a girl I have never met before. Now, this isn't absolutely out of the question- there are new freshman on campus. As I got to talking with her though I learned that she was actually 27 and is a violin teacher, her name is Elizabeth, isn't that beautiful? She said she had seen me before- that she'd been coming to this library about three times a week for a couple years- I was shocked. Am I really that ignorant about people I don't know? I'd have not liked to think so- but perhaps I am. I asked her if anyone had ever talked to her, or tried to have a conversation; she said she was rather shy and always tried to sit out of the way, that she never really wanted to (not sure if I totally believe she didn't want to talk, only that she was too afraid to) before. But that tonight as she came she said she might talk to someone, that she wouldn't be opposed if someone talked to her. I am so SO glad that she let me talk with her, that she gave me a small glimpse into her world.

Lent Day 5: Time with my Man

Jesus that is.

I was going to do my daily Bible reading today (in Romans now) and opened instead to Ruth. So I read it. I am glad I did; Ruth was part of Christ's family line, I wanted to know why. I noted what was said about her/the characteristics portrayed, here they are;

*Devoted: 1:14 "Ruth clung to her"
*Determined: 1:18 "realized that Ruth was determined to go"
*Respectful 2:10 "she bowed down with her face to the ground"
*Humble " "Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me- a foreigner?"
*Hard-working 2:18 "how much she had gathered"
*Obedient 3:5 "I will do whatever you say"
*Kind 3:10 "this kindness is greater than you showed earlier"
*Noble character 3:11 "all my fellow townsmen know you are a woman of n.c."
*Loving 4:15 "your daughter-in-law, who loves you, and is better to you than 7 sons"

Yup, so those are definitely characteristics I'd like to cultivate.

And that Boaz guy- he sounded pretty nice too ;)

Lent: day 4 "God is TOO good"

Today was going well enough, like most every day of mine, then it changed. I went to Lip Sync, I was working the curtain (part of my illustrious student government job, lol), the show was great, but there were so many people. When I'm around too many people for too long, well, life can get a little weird.

I come back to my dorm and really wanted to call up some of my friends and hang out with them... incidentally they were guys... which I am sacrificing initiating stuff with. I tried to think of clever ways around this sacrifice, nothing. I was a bit frustrated, so I grabbed my guitar and went out to my usual spot and played. After a bit I thought it would be nice to walk- towards the woods would be good. As I was walking I decided to take a shortcut because someone was walking on my original path (don't really like to broadcast my guitar playing). I was praying that I would just run into someone good to talk to, a silly prayer- well, not even a prayer, more wistful thinking than anything. Who runs down the library stairs as I walk past but Phil Smith? Hmmm, I noticed it was really him and said hi, he was going to McDonald's and asked me if I needed a ride anywhere or anything. I said I'd just go with him to McDonald's,he bought me a caramel sundae (my favorite!) the line was moving slowly so we got to talk. It was good- he's such an uplifting friend- I love being with him because he knows stuff. I like it when people are perceptive enough to be like that, perhaps it's because we are so similar in some respects. I don't know if I've ever met such a nice, thoughtful guy- and I know plenty of nice young men. So after that uplifting experience I headed back out to the woods feasting on an ice cream sundae. My fingers were getting a bit cold so I decided to walk through our student center. Something colorful carches my eye on the table, I walk over and pick it up "I am with you..." it says, with a verse about encouraging each other below it. Hmmm, must be something left behind by a group from lunch... Bong, pool balls clash into each other and I decide to walk through the dark and deserted Fireside. I go in there and am heading to a chair when I realize it is not deserted- three people are in here- three guys. One person stuck out to me, my jaw may have dropped- this was the guy I had wanted to see. Another started teasing me because I had my guitar on me (I always rib him about taking his everywhere he goes), the other guy was one who I had went to hear worship at 4 in the morning. What an odd group- and what an odd place to be. They said they thought they'd check out the cougar den- (at the same time as me?)- they said they were here to pick up chicks. I look over my shoulder and around (I am the only chick) we all laugh at the silliness of such a joke. It was good to see friends.

But I don't understand- God answered my prayers- except I didn't even pray them. They were just things I needed. God is so good- he gives me more than I deserve, He knows what is good for me and never fails to provide. Who is this God that loves me so much.
I had to ask myself some questions and think some things...

As if the cross weren't enough
As if that sacrifice
could not suffice
it paid the price
still there's life
and a hole in it to be filled
as that hole is filled I see
your love is still alive

Sometimes giving Him 40 minutes of alone time is tough- but in the end always the most rewarding thing I could do. May I always choose Him first and foremost.

Lent: Day 3 "It's happening again!"

Update on my Lent fast:
This is terrific, Facebook is the easiest by far- who needs that silly social networking unit when you live among people you love? Not I!

Spending 40 minutes with God is perfect- I love Him so much and just wish I could be more attentive as he tries to reveal stuff to me. I pray her will continue to unblind my eyes and open my ears that I could fully see and hear Him.

The boy-sacrificing is going well, but I think it is the most difficult; yet, rewarding at the same time. I question if I am staying true to the heart of the matter in some of the things that I do. There is one small wave on this smooth sea- far away- yet still visible. I asked God for an undivided heart tonight at Awakening (our 24 hour worship/prayer), it's so hard... nadie puede servir dos amas... Recuerdo cuando tratar (y fracasar). I know this is a good thing for me to give up, but in doing so I see all motive and desires in such a different light- or maybe it's just that I'm seeing them for the first time...

Life is good though- I have my own room and it makes worshiping and praying and sharing alone time with God so so much easier. God is good, and I am forever grateful to Him!

Oh yeah- what is happening again is that guys are initiating stuff, I'll see if this is a trend or just this one man- whatever the case I know I'll learn from these experiences.

Ramblings

Would you let me in?
Are you shutting me out?
Is there really open while I stand here?
Would you let me in?
I want to know this oneness you tell of
could you show me these treasures?
I'm dying to know, as I see this joy
overflowing, so far beyond measure
can we walk together for a while
as I sneak a glance-charming smile
my hands are restless, what should I do
as I walk here, so close, too close to you
I can't find my pockets in the wind's biting chill
I rummage around for warmth, yet am frozen still
then your hand reaches out, grasping mine
what life gushed into my fingers from thine
what's to stop our love from lasting forever?
only as time does us part, cruel age to severe
but I offer myself to you freely
I want you- truly, really
I am reaching out, but this feels so weird
caught in a tizzy- don't know which way's up
my motives are rushing to the top like
tree branches to the sun
what if someone can see the roots these stem from?
tear out all of me that you desire not
change me to love Lord

Sacrificing boys...

or rather sacrificing initiating stuff with them.

It's the most incredible thing (I have to keep stopping myself from inviting my guy friends to do stuff) guys are stepping up! "What!?" you say; yes, that is what I said- guys are stepping up and initiating stuff with me. It feels so much more, hmmmm, how do give words to this? Right. Yes, that's it, I feel more fulfilled, like things are in their natural order (instead of me throwing a wrench in it all). I'd totally forgotten that David had invited me (or did I invite myself before Lent?) to go swimming with a gang of guys. I really wanted to but totally forgot. But picture this: I'm sitting at a table outside the DC, David walks past in that certain way he has of walking, and asks me if I'm going to come swimming at 8 tonight. I know that it was probably such a small thing to him, but it was thought-provoking and cheering to me. David, a flesh and blood guy, initiated something.

I wish this would happen more often. Y'know, I have a feeling this just might have something to do with giving it up to God... moral of the story" let God make the first move!

Caramel apple lollipops and Sunny Days

It's nearly 40 degrees today! It's not so much the temperature as it is the beautiful and radiant sun shinning down and warming the earth. Today was (is) the perfect day to be outside, so I took the sunny opporunity to walk to a store down the road. As I was checking out I saw something... Caramel-apple suckers! I adore the taste of the sour apple and gooey caramel; it brings back such good memories from my childhood. And I'd completely forgotten they existed till I saw them today.

This day is an ideal day for everything good and lovely. As I was walking back home from the store I ran into two of my friends walking to Subway together (they're dating). We stopped and talked for a bit- it was so nice, because normally you have to get the polite "Hi, how are you?" "good, you?" "good" dialogue out of the way very fast so you can move on to class- you know how it is I'm sure. But we both had the time to pause for a moment and give full attention to each other. They were talking about whether long hair on girls is natural or societal, and asked my opinion. So that's what I'll be thinking about for a while.

This morning terrific as well- the birds were singing! So many people didn't hear them though, honestly, I don't know how the adorable little chickadee's song could be overlooked. The branches of most trees are bare, but bright-red berries remain, munchies for our feathered friends.

Life is good, really good, I wish more people could experience this, could feel, could know the inexpressible joy God can give. Maybe someday I can help others see...

Lent: Day 2 "This is Crazy!"

God is faithful, I don't know why it seems so crazy to me. I say this because yesterday was so extremely busy, but I knew they were all important things to do, so I did what I could and made sure to put God first. I was tempted to put off my 40 minutes of alone time because I had a big project due the next day; instead I put God first because he truly is the most important. I just found out the class I would have had to present in is canceled. The teacher doesn't feel well, and I do pray that she gets better, but I am also thankful that I made the choice to put God first and that He helped me in my time of need. He's so good, so faithful to his followers.

Last night at Deeper I almost messed up on one of my lent sacrifices- #2 I think it is, about not initiating stuff with guys. I was talking with Jake Flannery and asked him if he liked to skate and what size his feet were- I was about to invite him to go skating some time when Stephanie said my name- it hit me then- I realized I had almost forgotten my sacrifice already. Tuesday night I had set up ice-skating with a friend, at first I didn't see him at Deeper, and silly me, my mind started to plan out how I could get ahold of him without initiating something. I stopped myself by realizing that what God wants to happen will happen. I simply gave it over to Him and worshiped. Ends up that David shows up and we do get to go ice-skating; not only that, but another friend is on the pond. Lesson: God provides to those who trust Him. I didn't think giving up boys would be this hard. I'm still not quite sure to what extent it is- I ate lunch with a guy from one of my classes today- I think that's okay, but I never really made any legalistic guidelines... Maybe that's a good thing- I'll trust God to convict me where I need conviction. It was a great lunch by the way, and we did pray before our meal, so I like to think God was right next to us enjoying lunch and edifying conversation.

This is crazy- I'm already learning so much about God and myself. He really is revealing Himself to me and showing me just how much I can depend on Him! Sleep? I do think I need to be a better steward and get some more sleep, because at the tail end of my Bible reading today I was having a hard time focusing/keeping my eyes open, and this is Acts we're talking about- not Leviticus!

PS I finished Acts today, the last 2 verses got me thinking...

And Paul stayed two full years in his own rented quarters and was welcoming all who came to him,preaching the kingdom of God and teaching concerning the Lord Jesus Christ with all openness, unhindered.

- Is this something God is calling me to do? It certainly sounds incredible- can you imagine it? A tiny little house, many friends and strangers cozily crowded together inside listening to their welcoming host as he/she speaks about their Lord Jesus Christ and the Kingdom of God. It sounds so undeniably pleasant; perhaps something God will let me do someday.

Lent: Ash Wednesday

Day one

For Lent I finalized everything last night:

#1 40 minutes for 40 days of alone time with Jesus, to include at least 20 minutes of Bible reading. I memorized, prayed, and read from 1:30-2:15 today while my room-mate was in class, I left off in Acts 26. I'm working on getting Matthew 5:13-16 concretely memorized for tonight to recite to Wes. Praying, like always is good- I hope to incorporate more praying. This is the most important part of my "sacrificing" for Lent- I pray that God will draw me a lot closer to Him through it and reveal more of Himself to me.

#2 I de-activated my facebook account (this actually feels great because then I have an excuse for not checking it!) It's already caused a few bumps in the road- people can't just leave me a link to their blog or a great song they heard- instead, email will have to become more popular. Or even better face-to-face! This has already happened- I wanted to get together with my friend Valerie Sartor and I saw her at Ada's after class today, along with another friend of mine. This was great because I sat down and ate with them, we got to talk, it was just good all-around. This will just help with wasting less time and, hopefully, more "real" interaction with people.

#3 I am not initiating things with guys. It's a little weird to say "I'm sacrificing boys for Lent," but it is SO much better than it sounds! In essence, I am not the one calling my guy friends or facebooking them or going over to their dorms, if I am invited- then great- if not, then I'm not, and that's fine. For instance, last night I was asking a ton of people if they wanted to go ice-skating, David Shinabarger says that he would like to go on Wednesday (today) after Deeper. If he forgets it, then I'll go spend time just God and me (rather than the 3 of us) out on the ice. I think this will help me get closer to my girl friends since I can initiate things with them. That's good, because I definitely need more girlfriends.

In my Bible reading in Acts today I read about Paul presenting his case before King Agrippa; God really blessed Paul with persuasive speaking abilities. These few phrases stuck out to me:

And now I stand here on trial [to be judged on the ground] of the hope of that promise made to our forefathers by God, the same hope [of the Messiah and the resurrection] our twelve tribes confidently expect to realize as they fervently worship [without ceasing] night and day. And for that hope, O king, I am accused by Jews and considered a criminal! Why is it thought incredible by any of you that God raises the dead? I myself indeed was [once] persuaded that it was my duty to do many things contrary to and in defiance of the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Thinking about Paul's testimony, I am really encouraged- God took someone who thought it was his job to act out against Jesus and transformed him into a passionate and persuasive follower. I like how he points out that the 12 tribes were confidently hoping AS they fervently worship night and day without ceasing. Their isn't just hope without worship, and their isn't worship without hope in the Messiah and His resurrection. It was an interesting thought to me.

Beauty

This is a song, Beauty of the Lord, by Jared Anderson. It's written to our Lord (obviously) so the line "You take my breath away" always gets me. God really does take my breath away. There are so few words, so few ways to express how His beauty and His beautiful image in creation steals my breath. The snow drifting from the clouds above and landing on my eyelashes, a prism of ice shining like a diamond, the flaming crimson sun as it sets in the west. God did this all out of His love for us... sigh... it takes my breath away.

Listen here

Jesus Your love
Is one step closer
I will trust
You will never let me go

Jesus Your love
Has won me over
All my trust
Has found no other

I will declare the beauty of the Lord
Nothing compares to the beauty of the Lord
Jesus Your love takes my breath away
Now I'm living everyday for the beauty of the Lord
The beauty of the Lord

You take my breath away
You take my breath away

Chasen

There's this new band that is really starting to grow on me. Chasen has some great lyrics and such clear voices, if you like Christian, worshipful-type music I would highly suggest them.

Lent Commitment!

Lent starts Ash Wednesday and ends after 3 PM on Good Friday - that's actually 44 days (Sundays aren't technically counted).

So what am I going to do for Lent? What can I sacrifice? The first thing that comes to mind is my love for all things sweet- but how much would that really benefit my relationship with God? (Let's not forget why we give things up). It wouldn't give me that much extra time- I can grab a cookie and shove it down my throat pretty fast.

Know what I think would be the most beneficial? Straight up spending more time with Jesus. 40 min./ day for 40 days. I like that thought. At first I was concerned though- do I have 40 extra minutes in my day? They are pretty jam-packed with stuff. Then conviction hit: Jesus does not deserve spare time in my life- he deserves the prime time. So that's what he's getting- for 40 days at least, and, hopefully for the rest of my life. Some things I will do are: read my Bible, pray/listen, journal to God, walk in His creation and praise Him, or worship Him on my guitar- but I will have no less than 20 minutes of Bible reading. I am sticking to this for 40 days- with God's massive amount of help I am sure!

One more thing came to mind: boys. I am going to sacrifice boys this Lent. Now that sounds pretty scary, so let me explain how and my rationale for it. I will commit to not initiating contact with guys during Lent- I will not purposefully seek them out by emailing, calling, visiting, or anything like that. This doesn't mean I won't respond to them- if they call and leave a message of course I'll call back, of course I'll eat with them or walk to class together- but I will not be initiating this kind of stuff. Why? I think far too often I am the pursuer- not even in a romantic way- just as a friend in general. But I want to focus on having more trust in God- this seems like an eye-opening way to do it.

I am really excited and feel like these two things will help me grow a lot closer to the Lover of my soul!

If life were a horror instead of a gift...

To write these words before thoughts flee my mind...
What if I were born in a different country
or a different race
if I were born on the streets and not a hospital
if my parents died and I had no home
would I be in the same place?
It is so likely that I could
A Nepali, one very heart beats for
abducted
stolen from her family
then stolen from herself
What would that fear be like?
The men atop me, clawing and breathing like animals
and when I am finally free for another day, but
I cannot lift my head from the shame which bows it down
shunned by society for sins I scream against
but there is no one to help me out
all ears deafened to my pleading scream
I cry out “save me”
everybody hears but no one walks my way
no, they all forge on and rush away

Munchies

As Haiti begins to fade from the headlines and our country turns its attention to things like the Super Bowl, the Olympics and American Idol, will we now turn our backs on Haiti? Will there still be vigils, concerts, and fundraisers? Or will we simply begin to move on?

The tragedy in Haiti began well before an earthquake leveled Port-au-Prince at 4:53 p.m. on January 12, killing as many as 200,000 and leaving millions inured and homeless. An earthquake of a magnitude equivalent to the Haiti disaster (7.0) hit the San Francisco area in 1989, but only 63 people were killed. Haiti was already the least-developed country in the Western Hemisphere. With an average income of only $520 a year, Haiti was among the poorest nations in the world and lacked basic education, healthcare, and infrastructure.

It is important that we not let mere charity replace true justice. The longstanding tragedy of this story is that it takes a tsunami or earthquake for us to wake up to the realities and vulnerabilities of extreme poverty and inequity. Perhaps the "good news about Haiti" is that we don't have to wait for another earthquake to get serious about poverty and injustice.

It can be hard to sustain a commitment of faith and justice when we aren’t flooded with a constant flow of stories, images and reminders. Pop stars return to selling albums, the television reverts back to new programs, elected leaders focus on the next campaign, and each of us naturally return to our own day-to-day lives.

What would it look like to move justice from an afterthought to the center of our community life? To re-examine how we view, spend and even earn money? To encourage our elected leaders to make international development a priority? And to truly pursue and carry out Christ’s “good news for the poor?”

The Hole in Our Gospel

- Relevant Magazine

Starving dogs, Chapel Speakers, and celibacy: to lose one dream or many?

I don't have a clever way to tie these two topics together- they are only two things that I want to talk about, that have recently impacted me- I'll start with the dog.

The other day I was running around in the biting cold, grabbing stuff for our superbowl event, on my way over to the garage I saw something that stirred my heart: a dog. He was less than a hundred meters away, my heart sped up- I love animals and rarely get to see them here at college (besides the evil black squirrels). I start calling the dog, he is hesitant, almost like the dogs in Latin American countries that roam the streets, abused and chided everywhere they go. I kneel down and sweeten my voice- summoning him with all of my unction. He trepadaitously trots on over to me, though his tail is in between his legs, as if he's already done something wrong, my heart is strangely saddened by that. As he is standing next to me sticking his nose out I begin to notice other things; he is an athletic dog- the kind that might belong in a "beware of the dog" yard, but his fur is coming off in random patches, and his ribs jut out, trying to make their way to the surface, through his patchy fur. I pet him- his fur isn't like the other dogs I've known- it is not soft or silky, their is no healthy sheen from eating premium dog food in his coat- that doesn't matter- it isn't his appearance, but the reason for why he looks this way- the dog is apparently hungry and homeless. How I wish I could take him home, but I remember I am on my way to get disposable cups, or some other wretched invention like that- and I am "working" so I can't give this dog the attention he needs and wants- I can't loiter, I must go back to my job. How I hope that someday I can love those like this dog, in a tangible way- that it could be my full-time occupation... and, if God wills, it certainly will be someday.

The chapel speaker was good- but what I really want to write about was the song he sang at the end. I wasn't looking at him, and he wasn't looking out to engage the crowd, we merely closed our physical eyes as he sang. I think that maybe, just maybe, that mere closure caused my spiritual eyes to open wider- to truly see the song, to see God and I living the song, rather than seeing the singer and stopping there. The song was an untitled hymn by Chris Rice "Come to Jesus", how Carlos Garcia's voice soared triumphantly and lowered into rich tones as he sang out this beautiful song. If we come, fall on, dance, cry, fly to Jesus we will live- that is a constant refrain in the song- it helped me to realize, or to remember, that only in Jesus can everything result in true life- when we run to others for comfort we are so often let down- a little part of us dies rather than being revived. And that is why we must always, why I must, sing, come, fall on, dance, cry to, dance for, and fly to Jesus FIRST; it doesn't mean I can never sing for others- it only means I must sing for Him first, in every song. When we "can't contain our joy inside" we should dance for Jesus- he won't judge or critique our passionate abandon for him- he will delight in it even as he dances with us. Others won't. Others can't fully know the joy within our hearts- there is always a veil in between us and every other person- except for God: Jesus came down and tore that veil for us! I wasn't planning on writing this- I thought I would write about how this song made me yearn once again to sing, it made me pray my prayer of old that I could sing, for my King. I don't want to sing well just to do it- but only to praise my Savior more gloriously; well enough that my pitch will not detract, but not so stunning as to distract from the worship of our Lord. I also had a revelation of sorts about celibacy that I'd like to write about, but this is far too long already, though it has been quite cathartic to write these thoughts down. Praise be to God!

Ticket-Take it!

Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth
Blood, sweat, and tears, partial price for this ticket
but rewards so far beyond the price
Life is our pass to the most worthy show
and to think some relinquish their ticket so easily...

Alive to live

I stepped outside today into brisk winter air, but somehow it seemed less harsh than our cruel Michigan winter mornings. It took but an instant to figure out why- a group of about 3 different birds (all different levels of singing) greeted me by bursting out into a splendid, polyphonic piece of music. What a joyous sound to perforate the otherwise cold air. It set my day off great. As I went into breakfast, grabbed food, sat down and proceeded to read, what do I hear but the fellows behind me talking about angels. I smiled to myself and gave God thanks- it isn't very many places where you hear a conversation like that at 9 in the morning. I adore my nonverbal storytelling class (WOR/DRA 244 if anyone ever wants to take it) our prof is choreographing a dance to "the nearness" by David Crowder. I never knew this type of dancing would be so wonderful. Life is interesting though... don't quite know what to make of it... besides, of course, that God is good!

Real beyond the Veil

There's this song that I've been humming lately... All I know is that God IS holding onto whatever I'm feeling if I will choose to let Him. He delights when he sees my heart begin to heal, not of my own accord, but through his strength. I want others to drop their masks, to be real, why won't we all just admit what we feel?

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing


Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

Blood through my Veins

have I started too late for the blood to rush through my veins
reviving me, and washing away all these stains, all of my stains
would you reach out and touch me even now
removing this pain, God would you teach me how
oh, how to love you, I want to love you
why is this something I can never do
could you teach me how to give myself awayyyyy?
Oh my selfishness, is holding on, it would stay
and you, only you, can drive that away
Be gone, it's all you must say
but can you teach me how to let go?
How can it leave when I'm saying no
I'm screaming for myself
it's burning like fires of hell
why is the refining fire so hot
in my mind I'd rather this was not
but in you I can have the strength to say: consume me
until smoking flesh, and scalding spirit is all I can see
O Lord consume me, am I inviting pain?
So I am consumed by you, only your name
frighten all fear to flee from my mind
so true love in you I will finally find

Do we know our Slaves?

I was reading an article in Forerunner Magazine, and stumbled across these horrifying statistics, you can read more here if you'd like- written from an interesting viewpoint...

International Statistics

» There are at least 27 million slaves worldwide.

» Worldwide at least 1.2 million children are trafficked every year, and at least 800,000 people are trafficked across borders each year.

» Human slaves are cheap. In 1850, the average slave cost $40,000 in today's dollar. Presently, a slave costs $90 on average.

» At the extreme fringe, children are kidnapped, held in remote camps, and chained at night to prevent their escape. They are put to work on road-building and stone-quarrying. Such child labor, often hard and hazardous, damages health for life, and deprives children of education and the normal enjoyment of their early years.

» Forcible recruitment of children into military service occurs in many parts of the world. The consequences are devastating. Many have died or been disabled in armed conflict, while others have been interrogated, tortured, beaten, or kept as prisoners of war. An estimated 300,000 child-soldiers, some younger than 10 years old, are involved in over 30 areas of conflict worldwide.

» Some children between 7 and 10 years of age work 12 to 14 hours a day and are paid less than one-third of the adult wage. In addition, 126 million children work in the worst forms of child labor— one in every 12 of the world's 5-17 year olds.

» Child domestic servants not only work long hours for a pittance, but are particularly vulnerable to sexual as well as other physical abuse.

» Worldwide, the multibillion-dollar sex-trade industry involves an estimated two million children—including Cambodia, Thailand, and Costa Rica, where "sex tourism" is big business. The average age of women entering into prostitution is 14. The profits to be made are immense when 12- to 15-year-old children can be purchased for $800 to $2,000—and used for five to ten years before they are cast away.

American Statistics

» The United States is principally a transit and destination country for trafficking in persons. The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency estimates that 50,000 people are trafficked into or transited through the country annually as sex slaves, domestics, and garment and agricultural slaves, of which 80% are women and children.

» Research conducted with Free the Slaves found documented cases of slavery in over 90 U.S. cities. States with the greatest concentration of trafficked persons are New York, California, and Florida. Washington, DC, also has a large trafficked population.

» Between 100,000 and 300,000 children in the U.S. are at risk for sex trafficking each year. As many as 2.8 million children live on the streets, a third of whom are lured into prostitution within 48 hours of leaving home. The average age of a person's entry into pornography and prostitution in the U.S. is between 12 and 14.

» Forced marriage is another form of slavery, and at least 200 "matchmaking" organizations operate in the U.S., arranging prospective "brides" for male clients.

Child labor, military service, domestic servants, sex-trade industry, prostitution, forced marriage - horrors of our society, horrors that happen every day, even as we are blind to them. The injustice agitates my spirit- what happens to those children's playtime, to tickling wars with their siblings, to baking cookies with their mothers, why should these small joys be stolen away from them? Why should we allow this to happen right under our noses? Do you notice how much slavery has to do with sex? All slavery is a form of selfishness, but I feel sexual slavery is the most selfish thing to force upon a child. Can you imagine it? A young girl, only thirteen years old, skipping home from school, her parents are out working so she goes to play in the streets, hopelessly lost she doesn't find the way back home that night. The next day passes, her parents are concerned, but think perhaps she had a sleepover with one of her friends. Night comes and she is still on the streets alone, and afraid. Next thing you know someone offers her warm place to stay, disoriented and hungry she accepts. Before she knows to scream "help!" she is threatened into prostitution. Do we think they want this? They don't know their "options" they are frightened, and they are children,they are psychologically bonded to those who enslave them, and we allowing this to happen! We don't know the filth of the crimes committed in our own nation. It is time to get educated!

"The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) estimates that well over 100,000 children and young women are sex trafficked every day. Many victims are not runaways or kids who have been abandoned but rather have been lured or coerced by clever predators."

Read more at Suite101: Sex Trafficking of Children in America: Girls Lured or Kidnapped into Prostitution

Cranial Capacity: Kinda Crammed

So I was reading some Christian magazine articles online (here) and wow! There was some great stuff, I picked out a few quotes that really hit me...

"Sin grabs us with rational truth ("it will feel good") while discarding subsequent facts ("until it doesn't"). Sin has a great salesman: a voice that knows how to overmarket its temporal benefits while downplaying the imbalanced cost."

Of course sin feels good! While else would people want to do it? We don't like pain, and sometimes doing the right thing is just oh so painful...

"Sin separates us from God and from one another. Sin separates us from peace. Sin separates us from joy. Sin destroys family, relationships, community. Sin forges a wedge of hatred between cultures, denominations and political parties. Between interest groups, races and genders. Sin convinces us that we are right and everyone else is wrong and that this distinction is more important than love. Sin numbs a heart until it no longer yearns after people—and eventually no longer yearns after God.Regardless of how hard you attempt to defend your life habits, regardless of how acceptable they are in modern society or church community, if those habits accomplish any of the above, they are sin."

Sin... kind of like satan, it's around to steal, separate, kill and destroy. If we could only learn to love more, because love pushes these things, and sin out.

I've been learning so much today I fear my brain may explode soon!

To Awaken in Love

I'm not sure what it was this morning. But it was amazing beyond the silly words I can say. I awoke around 6 in the morning to get a drink, and then went back to bed, into a restful sleep. Around 8 the sun brought me back from dreamworld, but as I looked out my window it was a vision itself. The sun was midway up a giant pine, needles dark, standing majestically straight, I dozed off again, and when I re-awoke the sun was at the top of the pine, it was then I noticed that it has two tops; the normal one going straight up to the sky, and a confused bough arcing off to the left. Did I mention the beauty of this all? With my eyes closed at times, and half as much soaking in the beauty of the sunrise I thanked God. I don't know what it is but I am SO grateful to be alive this morning. How could I be so blessed as to have another day with my Lover, and living among people whom I love, and the extravagance of nature- how did all these glorious things come to me? How did I win this life? Not by lottery, or gambling, it was both an intentional choice and a gift. I feel like I could never stop praising a God who has given me everything, and this very breath that I may delight in all God has blessed me with. After thanking God I grabbed my bible in the drowsy-happy state I usually awake in, it opened right up to Psalm 9,

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."

It was as if the words I had just been thinking were quickly composed into my Bible, flowing right from my own heart. And indeed, I thanked the Lord again for his great love.

It is my desire that everyone could have at least one morning like this, one moment where God shows them what true joy can be had in Him, and what he blesses us with. I desire so deeply that all could find delight in God as I have been allowed to.

Am I Worth Less than You?

Sexism is still so rampant... Today I was reading some stats on it here...

In 2006, women over the age of 25 earned 78.7 cents for every dollar earned by men, according to the most recent statistics from the U.S. Labor Department. That's a decline from 2005's figure of 79.4 cents on the dollar and also represents only about a 5-cent increase since 1991.

Catalyst, a nonprofit research and advisory organization that focuses on professional women, calculates that, at this rate, it will take 73 years for women to achieve parity with men at the board level. 2081, here we come!

The notion that a contemporary woman must look mannish in order to be taken seriously as a seeker of power is frankly dismaying.

I despise this. I mean, sure, I wouldn't mind sexism so much if it didn't affect my gender, but it seems to be an inequality assaulting women. I've felt it before; maybe that's why I've chosen to be strong, competitive, to scorn the "girly" things; it could just be that I don't like girly stuff, or maybe I feel like I can't. Why can't women succeed as women? Honestly, why can't people see we are STILL so so SO sexist (not to mention racist). I would like to see how many "important" African American females there are in the world. Once again I ask God why I was born as a female? Is this what he intended? That women just stay in the shadows and support men? Where are the great women writers and singers and artists and scientists? I don't understand what's to like less about a woman? Maybe we can't bench as much as men- but we are certainly not wimps! Plus, how strong does one really need to be for high class jobs?

What makes us worth more than twenty cents less than men? Were we just meant to not work- is that why equality in work is so hard? Or is it the continual pattern of patriarchy? Even the Bible seems sexist at times. Perhaps this shouldn't even matter to me, but, for some reason, it still gets under my skin.

Worship without a drum set?

I was reading about instrumental worship in the Bible today, I ran across a few sources that were pretty contradictory to how most churches are. One of them,(this one)said a few interesting things, here's one:

God separates direct worship from all other things done by His children. All that we do in life must be done to His glory, but direct worship is a uniquely special activity, governed by special rules and guidelines. We shall see in what follows that the Old Testament speaks of at least eight kinds of instrument in common use by the people of those days, and all were permitted in private, social and civic life. However, only four of these were permitted in direct worship in the house of God. It is immensely important to be aware of this.

I read it and at first was like, "yeah, there is definitely a difference between living one's life as worship and setting aside a specific time to solely worship God". I'm not saying that we can't offer our lives as fragrant offerings- we're supposed to do that already. But there is certainly a difference between playing hockey, or painting, or playing a violin, or entering a spelling bee for the glory of God, as worship, and flat out worshiping God- no multi-tasking way of worshiping, but purely giving glory and thanks back to God. After that line I got a bit suspicious though- only 4 instruments are to be used in worship????
I kept reading and the scholar went on to make this point;

The Lord wants modesty and simplicity, not entertainment, show, noise, unnecessary diversity of instrument, or human ostentation.

Wow! It made me wonder if you have ever been to a church where the worship service just seemed like a concert? I definitely have, and the music was great sure- but should that be what is drawing people in? Shouldn't worship be something else, something more? An extended electric guitar solo, or any impressive instrumental solo, can distract me from the worship and set my mind to thinking if I will ever be able to play that well, my focus on God is slightly muddled.

I love worship music, but I've never looked at it from this way, so I wanted to see a different perspective, and this was very different from most churches. So maybe the Orthodox have a few things right with their worship. Also, I just learned today that in ancient times the preacher/teacher would sit and the listeners would stand. That'd definitely cut down on the sleeping in church; hmmm, another thing the Orthodox do. Maybe this is a step to thinking outside my own denominational box.

If

If you pray, pray that God would change my heart into one that beats in rhythm with his own.

Permission to Define: Denied

Today was the first day of J-term, one of my classes, nonverbal storytelling, is going to be earth-shattering. The combination of a compassionate, God-seeking professor and the content we'll be covering is definitely going to change something. We'll see what happens. Anyhow, she was explaining to us today that our face is the most effective expressor as far as non-verbals go. She had us watch a few clips so her point would come across. For the last one, we first watched it entirely muted, she then asked us what we thought was being expressed, she then played it with the music and asked us if we thought differently. The dance was so moving, a bit unnerving, with the girl too scantily clad for my liking - but maybe it helped convey their point better... The song has intense lyrics too- "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. I'll pop some lines in here:

"You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love"

Some people don't need to be physically holding onto you to keep you near them. Do you know what I'm talking about? All it takes is one pleading look and you're trapped. Sometimes the freedom to go is the thing that holds us closest. When we're being held in these freedom chains it seems so easy to think it's what we want more of.

"Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me."

I've felt these words at times in my life. You know you're trapped, like a bird in a snare, and you're trying so hard to escape, but no one seems to be able to save you from the fowler's net. God can, but we don't always know how to let Him. We want to be free, but it's such a hard desire to voice when you're in the pull of someone's gravity. We stand tall, invincible, impregnable, but who are we fooling? We all have chinks in our armor, facades we hide behind. We give people the permission to define us when we live in fear. And it's something we all do - live out of fear that is; we wake up ourselves, but by the end of the day we have eroded into the person those we love wish we'd be, or think we are. Of course this is a hyperbole, but could we see it otherwise? Some people are on to our masks, so they tear them off, and kiss the vulnerability beneath. Will it cause scarring- when people truly realize how we are and then they force themselves all over us? We need to be unselfish people, why? Because we need more selfless people in the world- we need more people who will not dig their condemning claws into our hearts of flesh. Masks are protection- they protect our true face- who we are underneath it all. If we act so often, and so well, are we less ourselves, have we forgotten what it means to be human- to be you?

A Battle Which Wageth

There is a battle I've chosen to wage
inside my heart, my mind I engage
Some days,
most days
My mind seems to be winning
and falling out, every underpinning

What about the day when my heart will finally win
when I surrender and let you pull me slowly in?
That glorious day, so far away, what will I say
When that day is no longer a frightening day

My mind used to win so much more
but my heart has something in store
yet another wily trick up its' sleeve
whipping it out my mind to grieve
because I just can't decide
it's becoming slow suicide
the martyrdom of my heart and mind
for decision is something I just can't find

I asked him if he'd wait for me
cuz strong is something I can't be
-he said he'd be honored to be strong
so I'm still holding on, I'm holding on

The target of someone's pursuit
I ask myself; the Spirit's fruit,
or product of false intimacy acute?
does something greater wait to root?

Christ first, and always foremost
already in His arms, drawn close
that he would choose to pursue
well, obviously, I don't know what to do...

Toughen Up

Sometimes life is tough, for no apparent reason. I suppose it is tough to make us stronger, but it is still difficult at times. You might know what I'm talking about- those times when there is no apparent right or wrong, black and white, answer. I always seem to want to know what the "perfect" thing to do is. But maybe I'll never 100% find it, in that case I'd better stop looking for it and just make a choice; trusting that since God has led me this far He won't abandon me now.

I had my music on shuffle, and this song came on by Third Day:"Love heals your Heart"

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

Amusing Ourselves...to Death

It's Christmas Break, or the end of break really. So it's natural that I've been thinking about amusement. Everyone will want to hear all the fun things done over break when we all return. What will I have to say? I know some people will have went on vacations, or to the orchestra,or the bar, or to see a movie, or to go bowling, or out to eat, or to a concert; any number of things really. Is this okay? Yesterday some relatives were talking about a stingy old aunt and how she never spent any money on amusement or anything for her husband. While I do think it is wrong to be selfish, I think it is just as wrong to squander. Don't get me wrong- I've bought things I don't need over break- socks, a pair of jeans, razors, shampoo, a snickers bar- I didn't really really need any of those things. That is a tangent though- I want to talk about amusement. In the book I've been reading by Charles Finney "Power from on High", there is a chapter on "innocent amusement" (this can also be found on the web- just click the writing for a link). So here's what Finney had to say on it;

How are we to decide whether any given act of amusement is right or wrong, innocent or sinful?

I answer:

1st. By the moral law, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart," etc., "and thy neighbour as thyself." No intelligent act of a moral agent is innocent or right unless it proceeds from and is an expression of supreme love to God and equal love to man--in other words, unless it is benevolent.

2nd. The Gospel. This requires the same: "Therefore, whether ye eat or drink, or whatever ye do, do all to the glory of God." "Do all in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

3rd. Right reason affirms the same thing. Now, in the light of this rule, it is plain that it is not innocent to engage in amusements merely to gratify the desire for amusement. We may not innocently eat or drink to gratify the desire for food or drink. To eat or drink merely to gratify appetite is innocent enough in a mere animal, but in a moral agent it is a sin. A moral agent is bound to have a higher ultimate motive--to eat and drink--that he may be strong and healthy for the service of God. God has made eating and drinking pleasant to us; but this pleasure ought not to be our ultimate reason for eating and drinking. So amusements are pleasant, but this does not justify us in seeking amusements to gratify desire.

Nothing is innocent unless it proceeds from supreme love to God and equal love to man, unless the supreme and ultimate motive be to please and honour God. In other words, to be innocent, any amusement must be engaged in because it is believed to be at the time most pleasing to God, and is intended to be a service rendered to Him, as that which, upon the whole, will honour Him more than anything else that we can engage in for the time being.


Wow! That's what advice you get when you drag up preachers from the 1800s. What could he possibly know? Well... I think that he hit a lot of things on the head, he comes from an entirely different time than our postmodern culture today. So instead of having fish assess the water in their own fishbowl his advice gives us a bird's eye view so to speak.

He said that no amusement is innocent unless it comes from love, unless the ultimate motive is to please and honor God. Okay, so in that case would watching most of the movies that are made today be a good form of amusement? Is watching people engage in premarital sex, unneeded violence, using His name in vain, or the assortment of other things most movies portray God-pleasing? Does this bring Him honor? Not really. Now I don't think, by any means, we should condemn anyone, including those in Hollywood. They, like all others in darkness, need a helping hand of someone who knows the light, that they as well may be guided out of darkness into God's marvelous light.

This new year, and every year after this, I am going to ask myself whether or not what I amuse myself with is innocent? Is it pleasing to Him? Is he happy with the way I am spending my time? He calls us to be good stewards- this isn't just with money- money we can earn more of, but time, time can't be bought back, there are only so many moments in any day. Let's use every single one of them in a God honoring way.