Alive to live

I stepped outside today into brisk winter air, but somehow it seemed less harsh than our cruel Michigan winter mornings. It took but an instant to figure out why- a group of about 3 different birds (all different levels of singing) greeted me by bursting out into a splendid, polyphonic piece of music. What a joyous sound to perforate the otherwise cold air. It set my day off great. As I went into breakfast, grabbed food, sat down and proceeded to read, what do I hear but the fellows behind me talking about angels. I smiled to myself and gave God thanks- it isn't very many places where you hear a conversation like that at 9 in the morning. I adore my nonverbal storytelling class (WOR/DRA 244 if anyone ever wants to take it) our prof is choreographing a dance to "the nearness" by David Crowder. I never knew this type of dancing would be so wonderful. Life is interesting though... don't quite know what to make of it... besides, of course, that God is good!

Real beyond the Veil

There's this song that I've been humming lately... All I know is that God IS holding onto whatever I'm feeling if I will choose to let Him. He delights when he sees my heart begin to heal, not of my own accord, but through his strength. I want others to drop their masks, to be real, why won't we all just admit what we feel?

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing


Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

Blood through my Veins

have I started too late for the blood to rush through my veins
reviving me, and washing away all these stains, all of my stains
would you reach out and touch me even now
removing this pain, God would you teach me how
oh, how to love you, I want to love you
why is this something I can never do
could you teach me how to give myself awayyyyy?
Oh my selfishness, is holding on, it would stay
and you, only you, can drive that away
Be gone, it's all you must say
but can you teach me how to let go?
How can it leave when I'm saying no
I'm screaming for myself
it's burning like fires of hell
why is the refining fire so hot
in my mind I'd rather this was not
but in you I can have the strength to say: consume me
until smoking flesh, and scalding spirit is all I can see
O Lord consume me, am I inviting pain?
So I am consumed by you, only your name
frighten all fear to flee from my mind
so true love in you I will finally find

Do we know our Slaves?

I was reading an article in Forerunner Magazine, and stumbled across these horrifying statistics, you can read more here if you'd like- written from an interesting viewpoint...

International Statistics

» There are at least 27 million slaves worldwide.

» Worldwide at least 1.2 million children are trafficked every year, and at least 800,000 people are trafficked across borders each year.

» Human slaves are cheap. In 1850, the average slave cost $40,000 in today's dollar. Presently, a slave costs $90 on average.

» At the extreme fringe, children are kidnapped, held in remote camps, and chained at night to prevent their escape. They are put to work on road-building and stone-quarrying. Such child labor, often hard and hazardous, damages health for life, and deprives children of education and the normal enjoyment of their early years.

» Forcible recruitment of children into military service occurs in many parts of the world. The consequences are devastating. Many have died or been disabled in armed conflict, while others have been interrogated, tortured, beaten, or kept as prisoners of war. An estimated 300,000 child-soldiers, some younger than 10 years old, are involved in over 30 areas of conflict worldwide.

» Some children between 7 and 10 years of age work 12 to 14 hours a day and are paid less than one-third of the adult wage. In addition, 126 million children work in the worst forms of child labor— one in every 12 of the world's 5-17 year olds.

» Child domestic servants not only work long hours for a pittance, but are particularly vulnerable to sexual as well as other physical abuse.

» Worldwide, the multibillion-dollar sex-trade industry involves an estimated two million children—including Cambodia, Thailand, and Costa Rica, where "sex tourism" is big business. The average age of women entering into prostitution is 14. The profits to be made are immense when 12- to 15-year-old children can be purchased for $800 to $2,000—and used for five to ten years before they are cast away.

American Statistics

» The United States is principally a transit and destination country for trafficking in persons. The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency estimates that 50,000 people are trafficked into or transited through the country annually as sex slaves, domestics, and garment and agricultural slaves, of which 80% are women and children.

» Research conducted with Free the Slaves found documented cases of slavery in over 90 U.S. cities. States with the greatest concentration of trafficked persons are New York, California, and Florida. Washington, DC, also has a large trafficked population.

» Between 100,000 and 300,000 children in the U.S. are at risk for sex trafficking each year. As many as 2.8 million children live on the streets, a third of whom are lured into prostitution within 48 hours of leaving home. The average age of a person's entry into pornography and prostitution in the U.S. is between 12 and 14.

» Forced marriage is another form of slavery, and at least 200 "matchmaking" organizations operate in the U.S., arranging prospective "brides" for male clients.

Child labor, military service, domestic servants, sex-trade industry, prostitution, forced marriage - horrors of our society, horrors that happen every day, even as we are blind to them. The injustice agitates my spirit- what happens to those children's playtime, to tickling wars with their siblings, to baking cookies with their mothers, why should these small joys be stolen away from them? Why should we allow this to happen right under our noses? Do you notice how much slavery has to do with sex? All slavery is a form of selfishness, but I feel sexual slavery is the most selfish thing to force upon a child. Can you imagine it? A young girl, only thirteen years old, skipping home from school, her parents are out working so she goes to play in the streets, hopelessly lost she doesn't find the way back home that night. The next day passes, her parents are concerned, but think perhaps she had a sleepover with one of her friends. Night comes and she is still on the streets alone, and afraid. Next thing you know someone offers her warm place to stay, disoriented and hungry she accepts. Before she knows to scream "help!" she is threatened into prostitution. Do we think they want this? They don't know their "options" they are frightened, and they are children,they are psychologically bonded to those who enslave them, and we allowing this to happen! We don't know the filth of the crimes committed in our own nation. It is time to get educated!

"The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) estimates that well over 100,000 children and young women are sex trafficked every day. Many victims are not runaways or kids who have been abandoned but rather have been lured or coerced by clever predators."

Read more at Suite101: Sex Trafficking of Children in America: Girls Lured or Kidnapped into Prostitution

Cranial Capacity: Kinda Crammed

So I was reading some Christian magazine articles online (here) and wow! There was some great stuff, I picked out a few quotes that really hit me...

"Sin grabs us with rational truth ("it will feel good") while discarding subsequent facts ("until it doesn't"). Sin has a great salesman: a voice that knows how to overmarket its temporal benefits while downplaying the imbalanced cost."

Of course sin feels good! While else would people want to do it? We don't like pain, and sometimes doing the right thing is just oh so painful...

"Sin separates us from God and from one another. Sin separates us from peace. Sin separates us from joy. Sin destroys family, relationships, community. Sin forges a wedge of hatred between cultures, denominations and political parties. Between interest groups, races and genders. Sin convinces us that we are right and everyone else is wrong and that this distinction is more important than love. Sin numbs a heart until it no longer yearns after people—and eventually no longer yearns after God.Regardless of how hard you attempt to defend your life habits, regardless of how acceptable they are in modern society or church community, if those habits accomplish any of the above, they are sin."

Sin... kind of like satan, it's around to steal, separate, kill and destroy. If we could only learn to love more, because love pushes these things, and sin out.

I've been learning so much today I fear my brain may explode soon!

To Awaken in Love

I'm not sure what it was this morning. But it was amazing beyond the silly words I can say. I awoke around 6 in the morning to get a drink, and then went back to bed, into a restful sleep. Around 8 the sun brought me back from dreamworld, but as I looked out my window it was a vision itself. The sun was midway up a giant pine, needles dark, standing majestically straight, I dozed off again, and when I re-awoke the sun was at the top of the pine, it was then I noticed that it has two tops; the normal one going straight up to the sky, and a confused bough arcing off to the left. Did I mention the beauty of this all? With my eyes closed at times, and half as much soaking in the beauty of the sunrise I thanked God. I don't know what it is but I am SO grateful to be alive this morning. How could I be so blessed as to have another day with my Lover, and living among people whom I love, and the extravagance of nature- how did all these glorious things come to me? How did I win this life? Not by lottery, or gambling, it was both an intentional choice and a gift. I feel like I could never stop praising a God who has given me everything, and this very breath that I may delight in all God has blessed me with. After thanking God I grabbed my bible in the drowsy-happy state I usually awake in, it opened right up to Psalm 9,

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."

It was as if the words I had just been thinking were quickly composed into my Bible, flowing right from my own heart. And indeed, I thanked the Lord again for his great love.

It is my desire that everyone could have at least one morning like this, one moment where God shows them what true joy can be had in Him, and what he blesses us with. I desire so deeply that all could find delight in God as I have been allowed to.

Am I Worth Less than You?

Sexism is still so rampant... Today I was reading some stats on it here...

In 2006, women over the age of 25 earned 78.7 cents for every dollar earned by men, according to the most recent statistics from the U.S. Labor Department. That's a decline from 2005's figure of 79.4 cents on the dollar and also represents only about a 5-cent increase since 1991.

Catalyst, a nonprofit research and advisory organization that focuses on professional women, calculates that, at this rate, it will take 73 years for women to achieve parity with men at the board level. 2081, here we come!

The notion that a contemporary woman must look mannish in order to be taken seriously as a seeker of power is frankly dismaying.

I despise this. I mean, sure, I wouldn't mind sexism so much if it didn't affect my gender, but it seems to be an inequality assaulting women. I've felt it before; maybe that's why I've chosen to be strong, competitive, to scorn the "girly" things; it could just be that I don't like girly stuff, or maybe I feel like I can't. Why can't women succeed as women? Honestly, why can't people see we are STILL so so SO sexist (not to mention racist). I would like to see how many "important" African American females there are in the world. Once again I ask God why I was born as a female? Is this what he intended? That women just stay in the shadows and support men? Where are the great women writers and singers and artists and scientists? I don't understand what's to like less about a woman? Maybe we can't bench as much as men- but we are certainly not wimps! Plus, how strong does one really need to be for high class jobs?

What makes us worth more than twenty cents less than men? Were we just meant to not work- is that why equality in work is so hard? Or is it the continual pattern of patriarchy? Even the Bible seems sexist at times. Perhaps this shouldn't even matter to me, but, for some reason, it still gets under my skin.

Worship without a drum set?

I was reading about instrumental worship in the Bible today, I ran across a few sources that were pretty contradictory to how most churches are. One of them,(this one)said a few interesting things, here's one:

God separates direct worship from all other things done by His children. All that we do in life must be done to His glory, but direct worship is a uniquely special activity, governed by special rules and guidelines. We shall see in what follows that the Old Testament speaks of at least eight kinds of instrument in common use by the people of those days, and all were permitted in private, social and civic life. However, only four of these were permitted in direct worship in the house of God. It is immensely important to be aware of this.

I read it and at first was like, "yeah, there is definitely a difference between living one's life as worship and setting aside a specific time to solely worship God". I'm not saying that we can't offer our lives as fragrant offerings- we're supposed to do that already. But there is certainly a difference between playing hockey, or painting, or playing a violin, or entering a spelling bee for the glory of God, as worship, and flat out worshiping God- no multi-tasking way of worshiping, but purely giving glory and thanks back to God. After that line I got a bit suspicious though- only 4 instruments are to be used in worship????
I kept reading and the scholar went on to make this point;

The Lord wants modesty and simplicity, not entertainment, show, noise, unnecessary diversity of instrument, or human ostentation.

Wow! It made me wonder if you have ever been to a church where the worship service just seemed like a concert? I definitely have, and the music was great sure- but should that be what is drawing people in? Shouldn't worship be something else, something more? An extended electric guitar solo, or any impressive instrumental solo, can distract me from the worship and set my mind to thinking if I will ever be able to play that well, my focus on God is slightly muddled.

I love worship music, but I've never looked at it from this way, so I wanted to see a different perspective, and this was very different from most churches. So maybe the Orthodox have a few things right with their worship. Also, I just learned today that in ancient times the preacher/teacher would sit and the listeners would stand. That'd definitely cut down on the sleeping in church; hmmm, another thing the Orthodox do. Maybe this is a step to thinking outside my own denominational box.

If

If you pray, pray that God would change my heart into one that beats in rhythm with his own.

Permission to Define: Denied

Today was the first day of J-term, one of my classes, nonverbal storytelling, is going to be earth-shattering. The combination of a compassionate, God-seeking professor and the content we'll be covering is definitely going to change something. We'll see what happens. Anyhow, she was explaining to us today that our face is the most effective expressor as far as non-verbals go. She had us watch a few clips so her point would come across. For the last one, we first watched it entirely muted, she then asked us what we thought was being expressed, she then played it with the music and asked us if we thought differently. The dance was so moving, a bit unnerving, with the girl too scantily clad for my liking - but maybe it helped convey their point better... The song has intense lyrics too- "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. I'll pop some lines in here:

"You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love"

Some people don't need to be physically holding onto you to keep you near them. Do you know what I'm talking about? All it takes is one pleading look and you're trapped. Sometimes the freedom to go is the thing that holds us closest. When we're being held in these freedom chains it seems so easy to think it's what we want more of.

"Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me."

I've felt these words at times in my life. You know you're trapped, like a bird in a snare, and you're trying so hard to escape, but no one seems to be able to save you from the fowler's net. God can, but we don't always know how to let Him. We want to be free, but it's such a hard desire to voice when you're in the pull of someone's gravity. We stand tall, invincible, impregnable, but who are we fooling? We all have chinks in our armor, facades we hide behind. We give people the permission to define us when we live in fear. And it's something we all do - live out of fear that is; we wake up ourselves, but by the end of the day we have eroded into the person those we love wish we'd be, or think we are. Of course this is a hyperbole, but could we see it otherwise? Some people are on to our masks, so they tear them off, and kiss the vulnerability beneath. Will it cause scarring- when people truly realize how we are and then they force themselves all over us? We need to be unselfish people, why? Because we need more selfless people in the world- we need more people who will not dig their condemning claws into our hearts of flesh. Masks are protection- they protect our true face- who we are underneath it all. If we act so often, and so well, are we less ourselves, have we forgotten what it means to be human- to be you?

A Battle Which Wageth

There is a battle I've chosen to wage
inside my heart, my mind I engage
Some days,
most days
My mind seems to be winning
and falling out, every underpinning

What about the day when my heart will finally win
when I surrender and let you pull me slowly in?
That glorious day, so far away, what will I say
When that day is no longer a frightening day

My mind used to win so much more
but my heart has something in store
yet another wily trick up its' sleeve
whipping it out my mind to grieve
because I just can't decide
it's becoming slow suicide
the martyrdom of my heart and mind
for decision is something I just can't find

I asked him if he'd wait for me
cuz strong is something I can't be
-he said he'd be honored to be strong
so I'm still holding on, I'm holding on

The target of someone's pursuit
I ask myself; the Spirit's fruit,
or product of false intimacy acute?
does something greater wait to root?

Christ first, and always foremost
already in His arms, drawn close
that he would choose to pursue
well, obviously, I don't know what to do...

Toughen Up

Sometimes life is tough, for no apparent reason. I suppose it is tough to make us stronger, but it is still difficult at times. You might know what I'm talking about- those times when there is no apparent right or wrong, black and white, answer. I always seem to want to know what the "perfect" thing to do is. But maybe I'll never 100% find it, in that case I'd better stop looking for it and just make a choice; trusting that since God has led me this far He won't abandon me now.

I had my music on shuffle, and this song came on by Third Day:"Love heals your Heart"

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

Amusing Ourselves...to Death

It's Christmas Break, or the end of break really. So it's natural that I've been thinking about amusement. Everyone will want to hear all the fun things done over break when we all return. What will I have to say? I know some people will have went on vacations, or to the orchestra,or the bar, or to see a movie, or to go bowling, or out to eat, or to a concert; any number of things really. Is this okay? Yesterday some relatives were talking about a stingy old aunt and how she never spent any money on amusement or anything for her husband. While I do think it is wrong to be selfish, I think it is just as wrong to squander. Don't get me wrong- I've bought things I don't need over break- socks, a pair of jeans, razors, shampoo, a snickers bar- I didn't really really need any of those things. That is a tangent though- I want to talk about amusement. In the book I've been reading by Charles Finney "Power from on High", there is a chapter on "innocent amusement" (this can also be found on the web- just click the writing for a link). So here's what Finney had to say on it;

How are we to decide whether any given act of amusement is right or wrong, innocent or sinful?

I answer:

1st. By the moral law, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart," etc., "and thy neighbour as thyself." No intelligent act of a moral agent is innocent or right unless it proceeds from and is an expression of supreme love to God and equal love to man--in other words, unless it is benevolent.

2nd. The Gospel. This requires the same: "Therefore, whether ye eat or drink, or whatever ye do, do all to the glory of God." "Do all in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

3rd. Right reason affirms the same thing. Now, in the light of this rule, it is plain that it is not innocent to engage in amusements merely to gratify the desire for amusement. We may not innocently eat or drink to gratify the desire for food or drink. To eat or drink merely to gratify appetite is innocent enough in a mere animal, but in a moral agent it is a sin. A moral agent is bound to have a higher ultimate motive--to eat and drink--that he may be strong and healthy for the service of God. God has made eating and drinking pleasant to us; but this pleasure ought not to be our ultimate reason for eating and drinking. So amusements are pleasant, but this does not justify us in seeking amusements to gratify desire.

Nothing is innocent unless it proceeds from supreme love to God and equal love to man, unless the supreme and ultimate motive be to please and honour God. In other words, to be innocent, any amusement must be engaged in because it is believed to be at the time most pleasing to God, and is intended to be a service rendered to Him, as that which, upon the whole, will honour Him more than anything else that we can engage in for the time being.


Wow! That's what advice you get when you drag up preachers from the 1800s. What could he possibly know? Well... I think that he hit a lot of things on the head, he comes from an entirely different time than our postmodern culture today. So instead of having fish assess the water in their own fishbowl his advice gives us a bird's eye view so to speak.

He said that no amusement is innocent unless it comes from love, unless the ultimate motive is to please and honor God. Okay, so in that case would watching most of the movies that are made today be a good form of amusement? Is watching people engage in premarital sex, unneeded violence, using His name in vain, or the assortment of other things most movies portray God-pleasing? Does this bring Him honor? Not really. Now I don't think, by any means, we should condemn anyone, including those in Hollywood. They, like all others in darkness, need a helping hand of someone who knows the light, that they as well may be guided out of darkness into God's marvelous light.

This new year, and every year after this, I am going to ask myself whether or not what I amuse myself with is innocent? Is it pleasing to Him? Is he happy with the way I am spending my time? He calls us to be good stewards- this isn't just with money- money we can earn more of, but time, time can't be bought back, there are only so many moments in any day. Let's use every single one of them in a God honoring way.