Mints and tears

I feel more alive than ever; it could be these Wint O Green Lifesaver mints that I'm addicted to currently, but I like to think it's so much more than that. Y'know, I realized that sometimes life blossoms from death - it's kind of like the phoenix rising- beauty from ashes.

Last night I experienced the slightest drop of pain, the size of a raindrop on the petal of a wildflower really, but the small portion did not make it any less real. I was awakened from a deep sleep, or so it felt. It was a harsh awakening- normally I rise and shine, waking with a smile or song. Maybe figurative awakenings are different? I awoke this time with the smallest tear. Which is truly saying something; tears are rarer than diamonds in my life, but last night was an exception to that rule, and a beautiful exception it was.

Tears oozed, more painful than blood, my body was wracked with sobs as truth encountered me like a hurtling boulder. The boulder? The reality of brokenness: in the lives of others and in my own as well. What a thing to admit- to admit I am broken- this is another rare occurrence. But a lovely one; you see, without admitting brokenness how could I ever be fixed? I couldn't be.

So I let my soul and spirit seep out through my eyes. And I ran into God's arms- he caught and held me, drawing me into His heart. He showed me something - I'm not perfect, and I will never attain it, never ever. There was one perfect man, zero perfect women, so my chance of perfection is nonexistent. Why then do so many people live their lives trying to make the facade of perfection a reality? Sometimes we just have to realize that we're not alright- and that's all right with God.

When I closed my eyes I finally saw that God loves me in my weakness, through my brokenness, and He is the only one strong enough to carry me, or anyone, through to the other side.