I had no idea i could do this!

I didn't know I could do this
I like this better though
what about this?
or what about this?
ha!!!

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red orange yellow green blue indigo violet

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See, I made a rainbow!!
what I don't get the point of is this why a line?
asking questions sometimes makes me feel small

Arise

This morning I was reading something one of my friends wrote, he said;

I've always thought of "masks" in certain ways (and I'm not referring to Halloween disguises, I'm talking about the fronts people put up to keep others from getting too close): the "everything in my life is just great" mask common at church on Sundays, the mask of makeup many girls wear to make themselves look "better," etc. I had always thought myself to be mask-free; I have discovered, unfortunately, that I have one of my own. It's called the "I am rough, tough, and immoveable, and I feel no pain" mask.

Wow, those words hit home. I may not hide behind the rough, "I feel no pain" mask, well... actually, now that I think about it I do. Whoa, never realized that either. Maybe that's why I don't cry (usually), or why I mock people who cry at movies- honestly there has to be something more important. The most prominent mask in my life is the common at church on Sundays mask Casey mentioned. "How's it going?" "Great, you?" "Absolutely dandy." And while this is true for me 18 out of 19 times, I don't think I would ever admit the one or two times when things aren't great.

That makes me wonder why we all want everyone to think we're absolutely perfect all the time. Aren't we aiming to be like Jesus? We might need to know who he was a bit better then- he got angry and flipped tables, called pharisees a brood of vipers, prayed so hard he sweat blood, and he wept. Jesus wept - at the loss of a dear friend. His heart went out to people. To the widow who had lost her only son- he went up and touched the source of her pain- the coffin, and brought her son back to life, he took away her reason for tears.

Jesus wasn't afraid to care deeply for people, so deeply that it caused the death of him. I don't know, maybe someday I will need to die for my Jesus, for my faith. But I will be honored to die for the one who has given me so much life. Without Him I would be dead in the first place, but he rose me from the dead of my old life.

Mints and tears

I feel more alive than ever; it could be these Wint O Green Lifesaver mints that I'm addicted to currently, but I like to think it's so much more than that. Y'know, I realized that sometimes life blossoms from death - it's kind of like the phoenix rising- beauty from ashes.

Last night I experienced the slightest drop of pain, the size of a raindrop on the petal of a wildflower really, but the small portion did not make it any less real. I was awakened from a deep sleep, or so it felt. It was a harsh awakening- normally I rise and shine, waking with a smile or song. Maybe figurative awakenings are different? I awoke this time with the smallest tear. Which is truly saying something; tears are rarer than diamonds in my life, but last night was an exception to that rule, and a beautiful exception it was.

Tears oozed, more painful than blood, my body was wracked with sobs as truth encountered me like a hurtling boulder. The boulder? The reality of brokenness: in the lives of others and in my own as well. What a thing to admit- to admit I am broken- this is another rare occurrence. But a lovely one; you see, without admitting brokenness how could I ever be fixed? I couldn't be.

So I let my soul and spirit seep out through my eyes. And I ran into God's arms- he caught and held me, drawing me into His heart. He showed me something - I'm not perfect, and I will never attain it, never ever. There was one perfect man, zero perfect women, so my chance of perfection is nonexistent. Why then do so many people live their lives trying to make the facade of perfection a reality? Sometimes we just have to realize that we're not alright- and that's all right with God.

When I closed my eyes I finally saw that God loves me in my weakness, through my brokenness, and He is the only one strong enough to carry me, or anyone, through to the other side.

Brokenness is now a word

But aren't we all broken? I am a broken vessel just like you. Christ is refining me through his fire though; He's making me whole again.

Somebody's Sacred Moment

There's a singer that I like, the song I love so much of his "My New Dawn", led me to find out everything he sings. Over time this one has grown on me. It's called "Sacred Moment" by Daniel Kirkley

She makes me crazy
She makes me smile
Gonna let her have my heart
For a while

She's got me dreaming
'bout what could be
Something in her touch
Brings out the best of me

Could this be love
Too soon to say
Maybe just friends, I don't know, either way
I want this to be


A sacred moment in her life
Guard her heart and treat her right
There may come a day
When she's someone else's wife
If she's not mine to have and hold
May this time we share be known as
A sacred moment

She keeps me praying
Lead me Lord
Don't wanna say and do things I'll be sorry for
God show the way
To live out Your love
Strengthen her faith, be a man she can trust
I want this to be


Till the true love of my life takes my name
Whoever's hand I get to hold
My prayer will be the same



Yeah, I like this song, I bolded the parts I especially like. "Don't wanna say and do things I'll be sorry for, God show the way, To live out Your love", that part really gets me. It's been said before that girls naturally want to give themselves away; I guess it's just how they are or something. So we need guys who care enough to protect that instinct and not awaken love before its time (no matter how fun that would be for them or how much they really want to). I pray that, if I ever marry, there is a man out there asking God to show him how to live out His true agape love. We all say things we are sorry for some time or another. But we still want our loudest cry to be one to God, asking Him to show us how we flawed human beings can live out his perfect love.

unknown

"...evaporated, sucked up into the painful atmosphere,to water the parched air. The air, longing for a single swallow of saltwater, borne of blood. And so I satisfied the sick and intense longing of the firmament..." -Anonymous

Forgotten God, Crazy Love

So, I was wrapping Christmas presents today. Pretty much everything I bought people I would looove to have myself. Especially one thing. Forgotten God by Francis Chan- I bought it for my younger sister, and to be honest I flipped through it a bit before wrapping it. Man, I'm hooked! I have to read that book, I'd like even more to own it. Hmmmm, am I materialistic? I love books a ton. I want a library someday, don't know. I mean, I do want to use it for good purposes, but still, a library is filled with many things - even if they are filled with words that can transform lives.

Some things mentioned in the book I have to check out;
Franncis Schaeffer
Esther Ahn Kim (If I perish)
Joni and Friends
rationalpi.com/theshelter and labri.org
chfus.org
Zealous Love: a guide to social justice
Things I've learned lately
Cornerstone Simi podcasts

I have a feeling these are all intriguing and edifying topics, so I'll get back to you on what I learn...

I wonder

what is wrong with the world, and what is wrong with me?

Awaken our lost love You

There's a song by Rush of Fools called All We Ever Needed, I had it stuck in my head but had no idea what song it was or where I heard it. So I type in "and just a touch and just a glimpse is all i ever needed" into google- honestly that is all the song I could remember though it was resonating with my soul. Well, here's the whole song.

A heavy heart I bring
For I am tired Lord
Awaken my lost love for You
Take this heart of stone
And warm this bitter cold
Awaken my lost love for You

Let your children fall down and worship
Fall down and know You
For You are holy
Let Your children rise up before You
Rise and adore You
For You are holy
You are holy

Remind us who we are
When we have wandered far
Awaken our lost love You
And like the morning star
You chase away the dark
There is no shadow here with You
With You, Lord

Just a glimpse of You is all we ever needed
Just a touch from You is all we ever needed
Just a glimpse of You is all we ever needed
It's all that we are needing now

Raven

I heard a rustle today as I was walking to the library. I turn around and see a black raven soaring directly behind me. I actually heard the wind rustle his feathers, it was one of the most beautiful noises I had ever heard...

Hustle!

But the modern age is in a hurry, and livelihood is more important. Man races through his work and rushes through his pleasure in a crowd of accelerating machines.
Feasts are out of fashion; only meals remain.
Instead of music, we hear hoarse shouts of ``Push, boys, push!''
He has to spend most of his time with the crowed, not in the company of his friends; his mentality is the mentality of the hustler. In the midst of all this bustle he has no will power to bypass unadorned ugliness. ~ Rabindranath Tagore (http://cscs.umich.edu/~crshalizi/Poetry/Tagore/modern-poetry.html)

I procrastinate, but I do useful things; I read this, didn't I? I'm supposed to be writing a paper about what is distinctly modern in Wendell Berry's poetry... But I want to write about the above quote...

Did you feel rushed today? I sure did, trying to attend three meetings at once is always impossible... None of us really like that rush here- run there feeling, do we? I have a personal detestation of rushing everywhere. Then why don't we just
s l o w d o w n ?
I bet you didn't like slowing down to read that.

We want everything compact - smaller cell phones and laptops and ipods and headphones, we want to fit more in a smaller space, but giant purses are still in fashion... I guess it's faster to shove a day's worth of stuff into a giant handbag, and faster is always better, right?

*But the modern age is in a hurry, and livelihood is more important.*
Livelihood is more important than pleasure. We speed through our work, trying to get as much done, as fast as possible, just to move on to something else to do. I hate that. It breaks my heart to have to print off a schedule for the week - now I need to schedule people into my life. I don't like building people around my schedule.
I don't have time to just paint or ice-skate, or even time to read. This probably stifles me the most- I used to read all sorts of books before college. But then I come here and am forced to abandon my passions, it makes me wonder, is this always how it will end up? It's not what I want. Certainly it is NOT!

*Feasts are out of fashion; only meals remain.*
Except on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have personally experienced this line during the last month or so. I don't eat fast food, but we have an on-campus cafe that serves soup and sandwiches to their customers in less than a minute. That's where I've been going for lunch and dinner almost every day. I just don't have time to even alight for a meal.

I would write more... but I don't have enough time...